5 Tips for Surviving & THRIVING Van Life with Your Partner
A question I often get asked is, “How is it living with your partner in such a tight space?”.
It’s just like any living situation, it has it’s ups and downs but there is definitely some adjusting that needs to happen when transitioning from living with your partner in a 1,000+ square foot home or apartment to a 12x6 foot space. First I’ll describe the phases typically faced when drastically downsizing then explain the 5 Tips for not only surviving but THRIVING when living in a van with a partner.
Phase 1 - “The Honeymoon Phase”. We had spent 3 months non stop working on building our DIY camper van while also working full time jobs. Needless to say it was one of the most intense and stressful periods of our relationship. By the time we were finally on the road nothing could come between our happiness as we were finally living the dream we both had been working so hard towards. Filled with joy from seeing new and beautiful places, experiencing the outdoors at such a high level and embracing our new and beloved home on wheels. This phase lasted about 2-3 weeks.
Phase 2 - “The Blame Game”. Just a few weeks into full time van life, the novelty starts to settle and the honeymoon phase comes to an end. Like any lifestyle, this one comes with it’s own set of challenges. Like who is in charge of what, like cooking, cleaning, driving, planning where you will be sleeping each night, the list goes on. Conflict and blaming often occurs during this phase because of the lack of structure, patience and understanding of how to successfully cohabitate in a teeny space. Think, essentially living in the same room with your partner 24/7. This phase lasts as long as you let it. And can even be prevented before van life begins (explained in the 5 tips below).
Phase 3 - “In the Groove”. This is the best phase as it’s one that you can actually sustain forever. Of course there will be tiffs or disagreements here and there but the work you have to put in to reach the 3rd phase will set you up to thrive when living van life with your partner.
Here are the 5 tips for van life couples to reach and thrive In The Groove phase.
1. Determine responsibilities, assign roles & set expectations:
This is tip #1 because it’s the most important. A lot of responsibility comes with living in such a tiny space while constantly on the move. Sit down with your partner and make a list of all the responsibilities and expectations of those tasks that need to be met. Then assign one or both of your names to the task. Once responsibilities have been assigned, you each develop clearer roles and conflict starts to drastically decrease.
Here are some examples of tasks to write down & get you started:
Driving
Cooking
Cleaning
Working
Finances (paying bills)
Locating sleeping locations
Planning travel itinerary
Shopping
A lot of these tasks can be assigned to both names. For the ones with both of your names put a % number next to the combined tasks so you each have a solid idea of the gravity of your role within the position, ex: 50/50 or 20/80 or 10/90 etc.
Here are some example of what our list looks like:
For example, we have “driving” listed as 40(me)/60(my partner). My partner is responsible for most of the day to day driving however because he works remote, when we have to do long drives during the work week it’s expected that I drive those long road trips so he can work on his laptop during those hours.
Another example, “cleaning”. 90(me)/10(my partner). Because I’m a neat freak (and you kind of have to be when living in a tiny space), it’s important to me to have our tiny home in tip top shape. The way you do this is by giving every item within your home a designated “place” to live. I do most of the cleaning however it’s expected that my partner learns where each item’s “home” is so that he knows where exactly to put things away.
Another example is “Working” being at 100% my partner. He is the bread winner and works remote 9-5pm Mon-Fri. Therefore, he has taken the responsibility to work for us to live and afford our lifestyle. However the expectations that have been set are that I can only talk to him during designated breaks. Although I’m used to this now, this was one of the biggest adjustments for me when transitioning to van life. Normally he’s in the office so it’s not easy for me to talk to him until he’s home from work. But since living on the road, we’ve had to develop a way for him to work at his best and that results with me not distracting him. So we’ve allowed times throughout the day when we can have limited conversations. Since setting up these parameters and expectations, my partner can stay focused while working and even get off work earlier because he wasn’t distracted. I get his best self when he’s off work hours and we can talk as much as I want!
It’s not enough to simply assign names to tasks with a percentage. It must be followed with a conversation about the expectations that need to be met within each category that will make each other happy. Get SUPER specific like who makes the bed and cleans up the coffee grinds every morning but keep in mind there is always exceptions when things come up and it’s your responsibility as a partner to step in and help when needed. So keep room for flexibility and don’t be afraid to review this list and change it as needed.
Bonus Tip: Once you’ve discussed your roles and responsibilities as well as the expectations that need to be met in order to make each other happy, tape up this paper on your wall!
2. Have Weekly Scheduled Date Nights
It’s true that when living van life you get to travel a lot and explore new places with your partner. That’s definitely one of the main perks for van life couples. However because you’re already spending so much time together, time dedicated for love may slip through the cracks. Especially since the reality of van life looks like wearing comfy clothes everyday, hardly ever putting on makeup, rarely showering and potentially going to the bathroom in front of each other, etc. Often resulting in lots of adventure with the potential loss for mystery and romance. When living on the road a lot of your attention is turned towards where you’re going next, so it’s important to have a regularly scheduled day or time where the focus is simply on each other. On date nights dress up a little bit more than you typically would, maybe even put on a bra and throw on some mascara to spice up the romance.
Some van life date night ideas if your’e near a town or totally remote:
Near a town:
Make a dinner reservation and go out for dinner!
Go see a movie
Go to the local ice cream shop
Check out the local brewery or winery
Walk down Main Street and find a nice place to sit and talk
Totally remote:
Buy a big white sheet & projector to set up an outdoor movie night!
Have a picnic somewhere beautiful
Go on a hike and sit and talk at the top before you head back
Light a candle and give each other massages
Make each other dinner or make dinner together while listening to music
If you and your partner need tips on understanding love, I recommend you and your partner read, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If you’re already living on the road you can listen to it on audible together. The insight from this book is helpful in understanding what makes you and your partner feel loved so that each of your love tanks are full! Keep in mind that you and your partner can have totally different love languages and the point is to learn what those are and to learn how to give your partner their desired love language to sustain a relationship full of fulfillment and joy, no matter how tiny your home is.
3. Proactively Seek Out Alone Time
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder and it can definitely be a healthy thing to add to each of your daily routines when living in a van with your partner. This can be for as long or as little as you each need. But we recommend implementing alone time a little bit each day. For example, take a walk by yourself to clear your head or sit outside and journal for a little. You can also go to your local coffee shop and read a book or go for a run or take the yoga mat outside and stretch or meditate at anytime of the day. If it’s raining and you both can’t leave the van have one person up in the cab reading, working, etc while the other hangs in the bed area doing their thing. These are all things you or your partner can do each day to have mental space from each other that creates a healthier balance and ultimately brings you closer together.
4. Get Behind Each Other’s Goals
Understanding each other’s goals when embarking on this lifestyle is key to a smooth ride. While one person’s goals may be to spontaneously and leisurely travel, another may be to have a strict schedule mapped out to adhere to months in advance. Start by asking each other WHY? Why are we choosing this lifestyle and what do we separately hope to obtain from pursuing this lifestyle. Listen to each others’ answers without interruption and see if there is any overlap. Whether there is overlap or not it’s important you each compromise to make it possible for you both to reach your goals, and support each other along the way.
Questions to ask yourself to determine your goals while living on the road:
Where are you confirmable sleeping at night?
What areas and locations do you want to visit?
How much time would you like spend at one location before traveling to the next?
Do you need to have months of your travel itinerary planned or do you prefer to go with the flow and not know where you’re going next?
How much money are you comfortable spending each month for pleasure?
How much money are you working to save each other? And what are you saving for?
Do you have any social media or business goals with van life? Will that require you to be constantly taking photos or videos at each location etc?
What work goals do you have while living on the road?
Where would you like to see this lifestyle take you?
It’s okay to not have any overlap or to overlap at lot. It’s just about understanding your partners goals and them understanding yours so you can both encourage each other to reach your goals and to come up with compromises to be sure your van life experience is filled with activities each of your enjoy.
5. Stay Productive
If you’re not going into an office everyday, what are you doing with your days while living on the road? Either you saved enough money to solely enjoy travel or at least one of you has a remote job to support your new lifestyle. Either way, you’ll find more freedom and free time while living van life. While that sounds great in theory, after a few months of living off your savings and only thinking about where to go next, you’ll often notice the urge to find something to fill your time. This is human nature and the truth is it may get a little bit boring if you have nothing challenging or fun to work on while living on the road. This lack of fulfillment often triggers unhealthy habits like bickering with your partner and overthinking things that don’t matter and cause anxiety. As with any living situation it’s healthy and good for the mind and soul to have something to work on that you’re passionate about and challenges you. Start by writing down a list of things that you enjoy doing/your interests as well as what you’re interested in learning.
Some ideas of how to keep yourself busy:
Start a blog
Start a website
Start a social media platform
Start a charity
Start a podcast
Take on a side hustle
Do freelance work for people
Sell something off Etsy
Read through a list of books you've never had time to get to until now
Pick up a new hobbie or outdoor sport
Learn how to cook
Take courses on SkillShare to learn new skills
Remember that taking on this lifestyle is often a once in a lifetime opportunity and is the perfect time to hone in on what you want to create and do something you’ve always wanted to do. So don’t take this time for granted and get started prioritizing your time and designing a life you can take with you even after van life comes to an end.